Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We're using joints as your birthday candles
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
