im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
