I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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