I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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