i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
