I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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