You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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