I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
