My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I think your dad took our porno
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize