Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
