The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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