I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
