I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
