If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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