I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
