so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
