a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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