I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
