we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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