No stitches, just platelets and will power
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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