Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I supernannyed him into submission
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
