A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
