I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
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