nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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