Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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