i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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