i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
