Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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