Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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