Apparently you make a good broom.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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