if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
