I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
