He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
