I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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