I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
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