We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
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