maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
