My Higher Power is John Stamos
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
