proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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