Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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