I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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