six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
