Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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