porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
