I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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