I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
