hell yes lets make some ravioli
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
