Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
