My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
