I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
