Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
