dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
