Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize