You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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