I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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