His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
