just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
