I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Randomize
