You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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