I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
