I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
