Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
