Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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