I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
This is not my ceiling
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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